Knowing True Pain

  I know now that I never knew true pain. I've never lost anyone or anything that has caused me to lose myself in the pain. When the police showed up at my door, my world shattered. I was the first 'next of kin' they could find, so I had to look at his license, tell them it was him and call a number. The police stood there as I called the detective. When I had him on the line, everything fell apart, my world fell apart, I collapsed right there during that call. Nobody should ever have to call their dad to tell him that his only son, my only brother, was found dead in his car. Nobody should lose their best friend. Not like this.

  It sunk in that night and then I became numb. Planning the funeral, picking out a casket, hearing so many people say "I'm sorry for your loss.", to all of this, I was numb. When I saw him for the first time, it wasn't him. It wasn't my brother. Cold, lifeless, empty. How could that be him? When it finally sank in, I was lost, I was broken, I was empty. I still am. I am not the person I used to be, and I never will be. I heard enough "it gets better in time." bullshit to know it gets worse. There is a hole in my heart that continues to grow. Everyday I feel emptier and emptier.

  There are so many things I never thought there would be. I thought my son would know his uncle. I thought he would see my son grow up and see my family grow. I thought the one person I called for everything would always be here. Now I have nobody to call. I am broken. But I have to wake up everyday, put on a brave face, and face the world. Some days are better than others, but no day is every complete. I know now what true pain is. 

Stephanie Smith Stumph​
David Smith's Sister