LIFE | LOVE | LOSS
“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.”
Thank you for making time to read our THMF Newsletter. The intention of all the hands, minds and hearts that touch the Taylor Hagen Memorial Foundation is for the words, thoughts and resources shared here to bring you insight, perspective, peace and joy in all that you face.
LETTING GO OF THE OLD
MAKING ROOM FOR THE NEW
At the start of a new year have you ever noticed how many ads there are for Tupperware or storage bins? Why is this? What are we being encouraged to do?
It’s all a not so subtle reminder to clean out the stuff that is no longer needed or wanted. How often do we really do this in our lives? I know at our house I am forced to clean out the vegetable drawer with soggy or slimy things past their prime on a regular basis. We clean our bodies daily using soap and shampoo to wash away the day. We clean our cars to remove the grime of life from the inside and out.
How often do we do this with our minds and hearts?
When was the last time you let go of a limiting belief or harmful emotion?
I invite and encourage you to find an area of your life where frustration exists. Ask yourself what the source of the frustration is. How can it be resolved? Can you look at the issue or circumstance from a different perspective? Take a fifty thousand feet view or maybe one from the ground looking up? Is an open honest conversation in order? Is there room for you to change a belief or view of the issue or person involved?
What about those ‘hard’ emotions we don’t love to feel?
Anger | Sadness | Jealousy | Embarrassment | Betrayal | Doubt | Frustration
Is there a person or place in your life where one or many of these emotions exist?
If so, I invite you to make time to lessen one of these. What I mean is to take the highest feelings of discomfort and move down a notch. You don’t need to go from completely frustrated to tranquil peace in a moment. My invitation is to go from complete frustration down a level or two where there is now slight irritation.
Along with all those Tupperware and storage bin ads you know that historically fitness centers are the fullest at the first of the year too. As humans I believe we have good intentions to want to be and live our best lives. We often start strong not always continuing this course for a full twelve months. So, take it slow. One bite at a time. One circumstance, one person at a time to move to a slightly different place. Allow this new place to be one that makes you feel more centered, more balanced, closer to the you that you like best!
I love the teachings of Louise L Hay. She has recommended cleaning out one drawer, one part of the freezer or fridge while saying, “I am cleaning out the old making room for the new.” I invite you to apply this concept to letting go of things that limit your health, your happiness, your ability to genuinely connect with those around you. Find one thing, one feeling, one circumstance where a good cleaning out would provide improved feelings. After you accomplish this if it feels good find another place to apply these same principle’s too.
“You will always be slightly dissatisfied with where you are. The best place to be is ‘I’m mostly satisfied and reaching for more.’ —Abraham Hicks”
I encourage you to let go of the stuff in your mind and heart that no longer serves your highest and best good.
Let’s all work towards mostly satisfied and reaching for more!
MOVING ON AFTER LOSS
Any of you who have lost someone in your life have probably had someone say something to you about moving on, ‘getting over it’, time healing all things and so on.
I am a huge country music fan. Lady Antebellum has a beautiful song called, “What If I Never Get Over You”. If you haven’t heard it, I recommend looking it up. A few of the lyrics are below.
“It's supposed to hurt, it's a broken heart
But to movin' on is the hardest part
It comes in waves, the letting go
But the memory fades, everybody knows
What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes
And then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye?
And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?
What if I never get over you?
What if I never get over?
What if I never get closure?
What if I never get back all the wasted words I told ya?
What if it never gets better?
What if this lasts forever and ever and ever?”
In the last five years I have lost three aunts, two great aunts, my grandma, my son and bonus dad of almost thirty years. I have had a little more practice with loss than I wanted too.
The words of the song above have echoed in my mind and heart especially losing my son to suicide. “What if I never get over, what if I never get closure, what if time doesn’t DO what it’s supposed to do”.
Well, here is what I think. Time is passive, it does not inherently ‘DO’ anything. A quote shared at the Bereaved Mother’s Retreat I attended talked about the effort we put into healing, learning, processing and being with our grief & pain are what make a difference, not time itself.
There are moments in time, events in our lives that are forever ear marked by their significance or power over us. Losing someone close to us is often one of those times. No matter if the loss was foreseen, slow due to illness or a long full life. It doesn’t matter if it was sudden and unexpected. The deep loss impacts us often overwhelming our senses and our ability to move through our day to day life with the ease we once used too.
I don’t think we need to move on from these events or moments in time. I don’t think we EVER need to get over losing someone who meant so very much to us. I don’t think we need to let go of any of the life, memories or love we shared.
While a significant loss changes us, we can and always will have a place in our minds and hearts for the person who is now gone. We can look for and create new and meaningful ways to keep them present in our lives, traditions and futures.
We can ALWAYS move forward. This is what I think is so important. I won’t ever be the same as I was before losing my sweet Joey. Loving him and being his mom changed me so certainly losing him, kissing him good bye in a casket has forever changed me as well. I make it a priority to be changed in a way that honors his life and the love I have for him still.
I get swallowed by the grips of grief, the anguish of what could have been, the pain of never being able to see him here on earth. I have cried more tears then I thought the human body could produce. I have felt the depths of despair not understanding this loss.
THEN, I move forward. I find something that makes me feel a little MORE peace, a little more balance. Sometimes it’s a hot bath, a warm cup of tea, a good book, a laugh with a friend, planting flowers, comforting another, taking a walk, sleeping late, eating chocolate, making love, smiling at a stranger, listening to children laugh or loving a kitten.
Each day I get up and do the things I can do.
Depending where you are in your grief journey getting up itself might be the best you have to give the day. Keeping doing that. Then keep doing it again and again until that becomes less hard. Then you will find ways to move forward inside your loss with your love.
It’s the moving forward that makes our lives rich with the tapestry of our loss. I suggest you find a new way to move forward in your life to honor yourself and the love of the person you lost.
HELPFUL WINTER TIPS
Helpful things that you can do include:
* Slow down and get more rest, practice being still even if its just a few minutes a day
* Drink more water
* Take extra Vitamin C daily not just when you feel a cold coming on
* Rub your ears at least once a day
In Chinese Medicine, the Kidney is the primary energy supplier to the body. If you are feeling run down, are having ear issues (ears are related to the Kidney), are craving salty foods, or are struggling with anxiety (fear is the emotion associated with the Kidney), these are signs that your Kidney system needs additional support.
* Massage the bottoms of your feet regularly (the spot right in the center of the sole of your foot)
* Eat more warm, cooked foods and not as many cold foods (like oatmeal instead of a smoothie for breakfast)
* Practice self-care to de-stress and energize your body.
* Breath deeply three times and let tension leave your mind and body
I wish you everything good.
All my best,
SLC, Midvale & Orem
What’s Your Grief?
A website about grief & loss & ways to cope.
The Sharing Place
Support for families and children 3 ½ and up.
Helping children in their grief process.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Saving lives and bringing hope to those affected by suicide.
Crisis Text Line
Text TALK to 741741
SafeUT Crisis & Chat App
The SafeUT Crisis Chat and Tip Line is a statewide service that provides real-time crisis intervention to youth through live chat and a confidential tip program – right from your smartphone.
Licensed clinicians in our 24/7 CrisisLine call center respond to all incoming chats and calls by providing:
supportive or crisis counseling, suicide prevention, and referral services.
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