Healing Through Friendship

    I didn’t sleep, none of us slept.  Although I felt as though I hardly grieved those first two weeks until his funeral.  We planned everything together, I made it my duty to make sure everything was as perfect as it could be and as memorable as possible.  I had never done this before.  I had no idea the short time period you had to make so much happen in; especially for someone that wasn’t expected to leave us at all.  I dove head first into work mode, that was the best place for me.  My grief took a back seat and I made all the arrangements as much and as best as possible.  I was given impossible deadlines for photographs, videos, music, playlists, obituary, funeral programming… What was  I even doing? It was incredible the difficulty some people put you through.  We had friends and family members jumping at any task we assigned them and then there were people like our family photographer (from photos taken back in November) that told me it may not be possible to have the family photo proofs available before his funeral.  My response was quite blunt and short and I received those proofs the next day at 4 am while I was still working away on Tay’s services.  People can be incredible!  Good and bad!  

By some miracle it gets done.  At 4 am, with no sleep and the bare minimum amount of food your stomach could handle, you meet the deadlines.  The services happen, with or without you, life moves on…  That’s probably the worst part of all of this.  When they “leave” you’re stuck in a time capsule, holding on so dearly to every-last possible moment.  You hold onto their last breath as if you could save them.  But everyone moves on, life keeps happening, and you are stuck here in this very point in time not willing to move.  If I can’t have my brother back I sometimes wish I was still in those first two weeks, where life revolved only around him, and people actually understood and gave you those moments to grieve and be alone.  Those were the last moments that you still feel like they are there, an actual human body, not just their spirit and soul sending sweet messages through butterflies and feathers…

But you are here reading this, and sadly this is what progress looks like for some of us, just a few words and inches at a time.  This is what pushing through looks like, and this is part of YOUR process.  I am no expert but I know for damn sure that I have made it through a few levels so far and that’s all it takes.  There’s no key, no guideline, there’s “normal” stages, “expected” faults with people like us, we are now broken.  BUT we heal, there’s GLUE!  Glue is the process and the PEOPLE.  Oh my hell are they important!!!  The People!!  YOU are my people, YOU make this happen.  You have to find your niche, the thing that gives you support.  Mine started with my suicide survivors’ support group in LA.  I went with tears in my eyes and nerves like you couldn’t imagine; but I left with the tiniest sparkle of hope, and that’s all I needed.  I had found my people!  I found people just like me, same thoughts, same feelings… It was a sense of relief you cannot imagine and something I NEVER knew I needed.     

There are never going to be any words to make this better or go away.  I believe that our path to healing is to talk about it.  Say their name, share their story and yours.  Having the support of someone that has actually worn your shoes can mean the world to us. I know this because I have personally made many new friends just by reaching out and sharing my story knowing that we share the same heart ache.  It is the worst group to have to be a part of but I have made some of the most amazing friendships along my new path.  These friends have such great meaning to me and they have personally played a part in my own healing. 

I hope that these blogs can begin to reach others in need of friendship and understanding.  I wish to build my own circle and help to make it possible for other to create their own support system.  Finding “your” way of healing is the first step through your new journey and one of the most vital steps to having a happy and healthy life again.

We may never have the same life again, but I know that we deserve to find and appreciate happiness once again and to cherish our new beginnings. 

I'm always here if you need anything; an ear, a shoulder, anything!

Erika
Taylor's Big Sis