I haven’t had a day off in a very long time… Not a day to myself that I can fully remember. I had my precious baby 3 ½ years ago, most of us know how much work that can be, and I still had always wanted one more until we lost you. I’ve always felt I would have two or three children but now the grief that I carry every day makes me think it would be almost impossible to go through having another child again.
I’m scared that I wouldn’t be able to give a whole other human being the love, care, and time that they deserve; especially when I already feel like I fail at this sometimes with my daughter I already have. Many days I ask myself what I’m doing, there are some days I realize she is acting out most likely because I’m failing at giving her the attention she deserves and needs from me. It is so hard not to get lost in your grief, I know with every bone in my body that it is not fair that my daughter is also going through this with me whether she knows it or not. When I feel that she is suffering from my grief as well I get so angry with my brother, it’s simply not fair.
I know that it’s normal to be angry, I understand that it is a “stage” in our grief that everyone experiences. That doesn’t make it any better though- sometimes I hear this and it makes me even more angry. The thing that would be “normal” would be to not be HERE, experiencing THIS; there is nothing “normal” about this situation. One thing I’ve really learned is what advice NOT to give when someone is grieving… If you don’t know what to say the best advice is to just say nothing at all, especially if you really haven’t been through what they are going through, you just need to be there for someone.
It’s so hard to describe an exhaustion that isn’t physical at all. I’ve had long work weeks that have you mentally wiped out. Work weeks that have you wishing for Mondays because in my work that’s your only day off, but now I can’t wish for any day. I miss you everyday. Those days that everyone has “off”? Well those slow days are the times us grievers really have time to think and to miss our loved ones that aren't with us. I was teaching my daughter to swim last week, my day “off”, then it hit me. You’re not going to see how much of a go getter she is. Her determination, or that fake smile she makes because I take too many photos. She’s hysterical, she would have made you laugh that big loud laugh I miss so much. She loves gross stuff like you, farts like you. I’d give anything to have you know her now, and you have no idea what I would do for her to know you too.
I hope I get better in time at missing you and raising her. I know I’m missing pieces because the grief is overwhelming. I’m constantly pushing through, trying to enjoy the small things and not let my grief rule my life. It’s really difficult to push that aside and not feel like I’m pushing you away, it’s hard to move on when you don’t want to move on without that person in your life. Letting go seems impossible still.
Taylor's Big Sister